Conflict resolution is often a theme in therapy and counseling (and life!). Maybe you have heard the phrase “You’re only in charge of yourself” but when we are in relationships, with our partners, our family or our kids, it can be super tricky to know how to balance it all (the taking care of your family and only being in charge of yourself). We often work hard to stay connected to those we care about, to offer support and give advice. It can be a delicate balance to maintain healthy connection with our loved ones, while at the same time honoring their individuality and autonomy.
Conflict arises, disagreements or hurt feelings happen. What do we then?
Some of us might back away totally or just acquiesce to try to get back to a feeling of harmony. Others of us are more likely to address conflict head on and feel a deep need to say “all of the things.”
Knowing your preference towards a conflict style can be helpful.
Learning more about personality strengths though the enneagram might be another avenue towards personal growth and awareness. I believe that we are hard wired to be in relationship with others and that relationships are the fertile ground for health and healing. They also offer a multitude of opportunities for hurt, pain and repair. Doing our own work, for example, might be accepting responsibility when something has gone wrong and offering an apology.
When our kids are little, we have to be involved in the minute details of their lives. As they grow, they begin to express their own opinions about how they like things done. Doing our own work with our younger kids might be realizing how much we want to or try to control them and finding more productive ways to talk through a difficult situation. I’m loving this handout with ideas about what parents could do instead of yelling in difficult situations.
With our partners or other grown-ups, doing our own work can include realizing when we need to take care of things ourselves. I’m in charge of my own feelings and what I do with them. Even if my partner has made me mad, I’m still responsible for what I do about it. Sometimes this might include being curious about what made me so (insert feeling: sad, mad, jealous) in the first place. Knowing our tender trigger spots might help us identify them sooner and with more words for the next time.
Other times we might need to build more strength in the category of showing our weak spots or softer feelings to those we care about. It can be common in relationships that one person asks for help or “needs” something, maybe they do all the talking, while the other person does more listening, being the “strong one,” being the problem solver. If this is not feeling balanced in your relationship, doing your own work might include naming an area where you aren’t feeling sure of yourself, or where you could use some support.
Setting a boundary is another way we can do our own work. We cannot make others change, but we can change the way we interact with them. We don’t have to keep doing the thing that isn’t getting the result that we want. Getting clear about what feels like it isn’t working is an important first step. It might be fighting about getting chores done around the house, or getting yelled at after someone else has had a bad day. A boundary can be as simple as clarifying when the dishes are going to be done and by whom. Or a boundary might need to include how you are willing to be talked to and what won’t work.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Prentis Hemphill
Sometimes boundaries need to be said out loud and sometimes they can be communicated with a gesture or body posture. Some of the simplest advice I heard, on setting boundaries with someone who doesn’t seem to listen well was to say a statement like, “that’s not gonna work for me.” And then when the other person comes back at you, you repeat the exact same thing, again. “That’s not gonna work for me.” And then, if they still aren’t understanding, or trying to convince you again that their way is THE way, once more, you say, “that’s not gonna work for me.” It doesn’t have to be a long conversation and you don’t have to defend your boundaries.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each of them—we can love others only as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they’re acknowledged, healed and rare.” Brene Brown
Doing our own work in relationships is a really brave and powerful thing. It’s audacious in fact. Recognizing that we don’t have it all figured out and that we could learn something new, or practice flexibility in the face of a challenge is courageous.
If you aren’t sure where to begin, or feel overwhelmed by what seems to be some of your “work,” I would love to talk further.